Climbing out of the hole

This is a note I received from a very close friend. With his permission I share it with you.

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Without boring you with qualifying or justifying, I am a burned out pastor. Or at least 80% of one. After finding myself leaving ministry to the great relief of my wife, I said words I would never even have thought, "I'm not doing that again!" Before I go on, I should say that there is a certain power in spoken words. The spoken word has a truth to it that thought cannot have. It makes things happen in my life. And gets me in trouble. "I'm not doing that again!" meant that I was leaving ministry to do what I called, "getting some rest." And I did for 2 and a half years so far. Anyone who says that the grass is not greener on the other side is wrong. I had an immediate relief of stress, I enjoyed church again, I slept better. That grass is greener. But the real problem is not the grass or the stress but the calling into ministry itself. And when you really get down to the heart of it, God is the problem. God called me into ministry when I was 20 with what I can only describe as a spoken word to my heart and maybe even to my ears. I have never been able to deny that day and since then, it has haunted me in a way that won't let me rest and say with true conviction, "I'm not doing that again!"

God then engineered my circumstances to accomplish exactly what I set out to do, Nothing. And I loved it. I loved it up till the day I hated it which was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, while attending the small group that I am not in any way responsible for, we started reading a book about recovering the dream in your life. I actually read the book for a week before that without really engaging it. Resting does that to you.

The book began to stir in me a desire to serve God. I felt like things were possible in my life. I saw that the mediocrity of resting was planned by God and he not only allowed it, but he foresaw it. Oh I wish I could go back in time to convince my past self of the truth of that. I would save me much agonizing over "leaving" my calling. I decided to meet with one of the pastor's at the huge easy-to-hide-out church I go to and get the ball rolling on getting involved again. I was terrified at that.

The meeting with the staff guy went very well. I ended up admitting some truths about my wife and me that could have a big impact on future ministry. I found myself actually saying things that I thought.

And they took on more truth when I said them. I wonder if God takes those things we say and makes them happen. That is what I find now. God is calling me out of the hole that he and I dug for me.

Certainly, everyone is different. For myself, I will try to hold on to a few truths from this time so far:

1. God lets us take a break sometimes


2. Many pastors have a very hard time with that


3. I should not despise the path that God has me on


4. When I speak the secrets of my heart they take shape and become much more powerful than when they are just wishes.


5. In his mercy, God has allowed me to fumble through this process to the place I am today. The end result being that I can see very clearly his love and mercy.